That's right. I haven't done anything.
Yes, that's why you received the monthly main selection.
- (STAMMERING) But... - The last one was Santana Abraxas. You...
I didn't ask for Santana Abraxas.
You request the main selection
at the retail price by doing nothing.
It's automatically mailed to you,
plus shipping and handling.
- You're about to receive... - I can't afford a new record every month!
I haven't asked...
You're about to get Cosmo's Factory, sir.
The June main selection.
Look, look, something is very wrong!
I don't want Santana Abraxas.
I've just been in a terrible auto accident.
I'm sorry, sir.
Well, thank you. But I...
Are you okay?
Yes, yes. No one was hurt.
Okay. Good.
Well, you had 14 days to listen to Santana Abraxas.
- Sir? - Look...
(STAMMERING) I didn't ask for Santana Abraxas,
I didn't listen to Santana Abraxas,
I didn't do anything!
- Sir! Your son. - Mr. Gopnik...
He says it's urgent.
We can't make you listen to the record...
- Okay, okay, okay... - We provide...
Okay, I have to call you back.
- This is... I'm sorry. - No, no, Mr. Gopnik, please...
- Danny? - DANNY: Yeah. Listen, Dad...
Did you join the Columbia Record Club?
- Danny? - Um...
Danny, this is completely unacceptable. I can't afford to...
Okay, Dad, but you gotta come home.
Is it F Troop?
No, Mom's real upset.
(JUDITH SOBBING)
SARAH: Dad?
Yes?
Does this mean I can't go to the Hole tonight?
Does what mean? What happened?
Oh, Sy Ableman, he died in a car crash.
DANNY: Hey, Dad.
What?
So you're coming back home?
Can you fix the aerial?
What?
It's still, you know...
(JUDITH WAILING)
(JUDITH SCREAMING)
She seems to be asking an awful lot.
But then... I don't know.
Somebody has to pay for Sy's funeral.
Uh-huh.
His own estate is in probate,
but why does it have to be me?
Or is it wrong to complain?
Judy says it is.
But I'm so strapped for cash right now,
carrying the mortgage, and paying for the Jolly Roger,
and I wrecked the car, and Danny's bar mitzvah coming up, I...
Something like this, there's never a good time.
I don't know where it all leaves me.
Sy's death.
Obviously, it's not going to go back like it was.
Mmm.
- Would you even want that, Larry? - No, I...
Well, yeah. Sometimes.
Or...
I don't know. I guess
the honest answer is, I don't know.
What was my life before? Not what I thought it was.
So what does it all mean?
What is Hashem trying to tell me,
making me pay for Sy Ableman's funeral?
- Mmm. - And did I tell you
I had a car accident the same time Sy had his?
- The same instant, for all I know. - Mmm.
Is Hashem trying to tell me that Sy Ableman is me?
Or that we are all one or something?
How does God speak to us?
It's a good question.
You know Lee Sussman.
Dr Sussman? I think I... Yeah.
Did he ever tell you about the goy's teeth?
No Uh, what goy?
So, Lee is at work one day.
You know, he has the orthodontic practice there at Great Bear.
He's making a plaster mold.
It's for corrective bridgework in the mouth of one of his patents,
Russell Krauss.
The mold dries, and Lee is examining it one day
before fabricating an appliance.
He notices something unusual.
There appears to be something engraved
on the inside of the patent’s lower incisors.
Hey vav shin yud ayin nun yud.
Ho-she-ay-ni.
"Help me. Save me."
This, in a goy's mouth, Larry.
He calls the goy back
on the pretense of needling additional measurements for the appliance.
"How are you?
"Noticed any other problems with your teeth?"
"No."
There it is.
Ho-she-ay-ni.
"Help me." '
Son of a gun.
Sussman goes home.
Can Sussman eat? Sussman can't eat.
Can Sussman sleep? Sussman can't sleep.
Sussman looks at the molds of his other patents,
goy and Jew alike,
seeking other messages. He finds none.
He looks In his own mouth.
Nothing.
He looks in his wife's mouth.
Nothing.
But Sussman is an educated man.
Not the world's greatest sage, maybe.
No Rabbi Marshak.
But he knows a thing or two about the Zohar and the Kabbalah.
He knows that every Hebrew letter has its numeric equivalent.
8- 4-5-4-4-7-3
Seven digits. A phone number, maybe?
"Hello? Do you know a goy named Krauss, Russell Krauss?"
"Who?"
"Where have I called?
"The Red Owl in Bloomington? Thanks so much."
He goes.
It's a Red Owl Groceries, what have you.
Sussman goes home What does it mean?
He has to find out if he is ever to sleep again.
He goes to see
the Rabbi Nachtner.
He comes In, he sits right where you're sitting, right now.
"What does it mean, Rabbi?
- (INAUDIBLE) - "Is it a sign from Hashem? 'Help me'.
"I, Sussman, should be doing something to help this goy.
"Doing what? The teeth don't say.
"Or maybe I'm supposed to help people generally lead a more righteous life?
"Is the answer in Kabbalah? In Torah?
"Or is there even a question?
"Tell me, Rabbi, what can such a sign
mean?"
So? What did you tell him?
Sussman?
Yes.
Is it relevant?
Well, isn't that why you're telling me?
Okay.
Nachtner says, "Look.
"The teeth, we don't know
"A sign from Hashem? Don't know.
"Helping others?
"Couldn't hurt."
No, no, but who put it there?
Was it for him, Sussman? Or for whoever found it? Or for just... For, for...
We can't know everything.
It sounds like you don't know anything!
Why even tell me the story?
(CHUCKLING) First I should tell you, then I shouldn't.
What happened to Sussman?
What would happen? Not much.
He went back to work.
For a while, he checked every patent’s teeth for new messages.
He didn’t find any.
In time, he found he stopped checking.
He returned to life.
These questions that are bothering you, Larry,
maybe they're like a toothache.
Feel them for a while, then they go away.
I don't want it to just go away! I want an answer!
Sure We all want the answer.
Hashem doesn't owe us the answer, Larry.
Hashem doesn't owe us anything.
The obligation runs the other way.
Why does he make us feel the questions
if he's not going to give us any answers?
He hasn't told me.
And what happened to the goy?
The goy?
Who cares?
NACHTNER: Sy Ableman was a serious man.
Sy Ableman was a man devoted to his community.
To Torah study To his beloved wife, Esther,
until three years ago she passed,
and to his duty, as he saw it.
Where does such a man go?
A tzadik. Who knows, maybe even a lamed vavnik.
A man beloved by all.
A man who despised the frivolous.
Could such a serious man simply
disappear?
We speak of olam ha-ba, the world to come.
- (SOBBING) - Not heaven.
Not what the gentiles think of as afterlife.
"Olam ha-ba." What is olam ha-ba?
Where is olam ha-ba?
Well, it is not a geographic place, certainly.
Like Canada.
Nor is it the Eretz zavat chalav udvash,
the land flowing with milk and honey.
For we are not promised a personal reward.
A gold star.
A first-class VIP lounge where we get milk and cookies to eternity.
(MOURNERS LAUGHING)
Olam ha-ba is in the bosom of Abraham.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Arthur Gopnik?
Are you Arthur Gopnik?
I'm Lawrence Gopnik.
Do you go by the name Arthur Gopnik?
No.
Is that Arthur Gopnik?
Can you tell me what's going on? We're sitting shiva here.
You're what?
A religious observance.
We're bereaved.
Who died?
My wife's, uh...
(WOMAN SOBBING)
It's a long story.
Look, you tell Gopnik, Arthur Gopnik, he's breaking the law.
We're not arresting him now, but next time we will.
Gambling's against the law in this state That's just the way it is.
All right. Go back to your thing.
Sorry, sir.
Dad, we get channel four now, but not channel seven.
Arthur, how could you do that to this family?
- On Sy's... - It's hardly a crime, I mean, nobody got hurt.
That doesn't make it right!
He won a lot of money, Dad.
The Mentaculus really works!
You knew about it?
- Well... - They must have finked me out.
They knew I could just go on winning,
so they blackballed me and now...
What did you do with the money you won?
What's going on?
Well, I didn't want it, and Danny said that he could use it...
That is so unfair!
- LARRY: What are you... - I'll tell you what's unfair.
What's unfair is them not letting me play in their card game.
Why give him the money? You know what he spends it on?
I know about the records.
Records? Do you think he buys records from Mike Fagle?
At least I'm not saving up for a nose job.
- What a brat! - LARRY: What?
Nobody in this house is getting a nose job! You got that?
(FANFARE PLAYING ON TV)
- (EXCLAIMING) - Danny! You're not excused!
We're still talking!
What was this card game, Arthur?
Some goys put together a private game.
I think that they're Italian.
Danny! What's going on?
Danny? We're sitting shiva here.
(MEN CHATTERING ON TV)
Well, she has retained Barney Silver at Tuchman, Marsh.
This is a...
- This is an aggressive firm, Larry. - Mmm-hmm.
These are not pleasant people.
Judith is free to retain whoever she...
I take it you don't talk?
It's hard. I think she emptied our bank account.
Mmm.
- I tried to ask her about it, very civilly. She... - Yeah.
Yeah, you need to open a new account in your name only.
Put your paychecks in there from here on out.
- Can I? - Oh, absolutely.
It's not dishonest?
Oh, absolutely.
- You... - I hate to say this,
but I think she's also been sneaking cash out of my wallet.
Oh, boy Oh, boy.
Yeah, well, this is definitely adversarial.
(CRYING)
Larry? Are you all right? Larry!
Hey, come on now! Larry! There's no need for that.
Larry, Larry, we...
We're going to get through this.
Have you talked to the Rabbi?
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
I talked to Nachtner.
Was he helpful at all?
What, did he tell you about the goy's teeth?
You should try to talk to Marshak.
They told me he doesn't do pastoral work anymore.
He just...
(INHALING)
...congratulates the bar mitzvah boy every week.
Well, that's too bad.
He's a very wise man, Marshak.
Getting old.
Very old.
No, me.
- Uh, Dick Dutton. Columbia Record Club. - Not now.
Does he ever come to the phone?
If I came in, could...
Well, how about at Rabbi Marshak's convenience?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, could I give you my number at the Jolly Roger?
LARRY: X squared, so that delta X equals
the square root of .077 A squared minus zero,
from which we derive the square root of .077 A squared.
And also, the uncertainty
in P is equal to the square root of bracket P squared
minus bracket P squared,
which also equals the square root of H over A squared.
Which lets us delta X, delta P
equals the square root of.077 A squared,
H over A squared, and 1.74 H bar.
Okay?
The Uncertainty Principle.
It proves we can't ever really know
what's going on.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
But even though you can't figure anything out,
you will be responsible for it on the mid-term.
- Did you follow that? - Of course.
Except that I know what's going on.
How do you explain?
Well, it might be that in, you know, in olam ha-ba...
Excuse me, not the point. In this world, Larry.
Now I'll concede that it's subtle, it's clever.
But at the end of the day, is it convincing?
Well, yes, it's convincing.
It's a proof. It's mathematics.
No, excuse me. Mathematics is the art of the possible.
I don't think so.
The art of the possible, that's...
I can't remember. Something else.
I'm a serious man, Larry.
- I know that So, if I've got it wrong, what do I... - So simple.
See Marshak.
I know! I want to see Marshak! I want to see Marshak!
I fucked your wife, Larry!
I seriously fucked her! That's what's going on!
(SHOUTING) See Marshak!
(GASPS)
(WHIRRING)
Mr Gopnik.
Hello, Mrs Samsky.
I was going to knock, and then I thought you weren't here.
I thought I heard something.
Can I help you? Do you want to come in?
- No, I... - It's cooler.
Oh. Okay.
I've noticed that Mr Samsky isn't around, and I, uh...
- He travels. - Uh-huh. Yeah.
So I thought I should let you know, since you're somewhat new here,
if you ever have, whatever, chores that you'd, um...
Or just help with something I've decided to help others, in a neighborly way.
- How thoughtful. - Oh, it's nothing.
It's just good to know your neighbors, and to help.
Help others.
Although I don't care much for my neighbors on the other side, I must say.
- Goys, aren't they? - Mmm. Very much so.
Although maybe it's not fair to judge. I have to admit...
Won't you sit down?
Oh, um... Okay. Thank you.
- Iced tea? I have some. - Okay.
I don't see you much around either.
Yes, actually I haven't been home a lot recently. I, uh...
My wife and I are...
Well, she's got me staying at the Jolly Roger, the little motel there on...
You're in the doghouse, huh?
Yes. That's an understatement, I guess. Thank you.
I guess I...
Do you take advantage of the new freedoms?
What do you mean?
It's something I do.
For recreation.
That's
...marijuana? - Mmm-hmm.
You'll find you'll need the iced tea.
Is it...
Well, okay.
(RECORD SKIPPING)
Maybe Rabbi Scott was right.
Who's Rabbi Scott?
The junior rabbi.
What did he say?
LARRY: He spoke of
perception.
All my problems are just...
Just a...
A mere...
Is that a siren?
No.
Sometimes people get paranoid...
- (SIREN BLARING) - Holy cow, that is a siren.
Hey!
POLICEMAN: Does this man live here?
- Sort of. He sleeps on the couch. - This is crazy!
I didn't know what to tell them They asked me for my address.
It's just mathematics. You can't arrest a man for mathematics.
I didn't know whether to tell them here, or at the Jolly Roger.
Do you know this man?
I just figured that this would sound better. I don't know.
Dad, why is Uncle Arthur in handcuffs?
It's all a mistake. I mean, not a mistake, a miscarriage...
- Hello, Mrs Samsky. - Hello, Arthur.
- Does this man live here? - He sleeps on the couch.
Look. What did he do?
- Nothing! I didn't do anything! - DANNY: Dad sleeps on a cot.
Sir, we picked this man up at the North Dakota.
- But I didn't do anything! I didn't... - The North Dakota?
Solicitation Sodomy Very serious.
But I didn't do anything.
"Sodomy"?
What's sodomy, Dad?
What does Arthur say?
He says he didn't do anything.
Uh-huh.
He says he just went in for a drink.
Uh-huh.
- Does Arthur drink? - No.
Uh-huh.
The North Dakota.
Well...
You'll need a criminal attorney.
- Okay Who's... - Ron Meshbesher.
- Is he good? - Ron is very good.
I don't understand.
- He goes to mixers at the Hillel House. - Mmm.
- I would call Ron Meshbesher. - Is he expensive?
Ron is not cheap.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yeah.
Oh, Sol, come in, we could use some good news.
DON: Sol's been going over the property line issue
and he wouldn't go into details, but he seems to think
there's a nifty way out of this.
Says it was pure luck that he caught something.
I guess that's why you're full partner, eh, Sol?
(DON CHUCKLES)
- Danny's bar mitzvah is... - This week.
DON: This Shabbas? Great, great.
(GROANING)
Professor Gopnik, Dick Dutton.
Heart attack. Call back.
(UNLOCKS DRAWER)
Larry?
As you know, the tenure committee meets on... What?
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
I'm sorry. I know you've hit a rough patch.
Someone just...
But I'm fine.
Well, as you know, the tenure committee meets on Wednesday
...to make its final determinations, so if... - Arlen,
I am not an evil man.
- No, no, Larry, no, of course not. - I am not!
No, we don't make moral judgments.
I went to the Aster Art once.
I saw Swedish Reverie.
No, it's okay. We don't need to know.
It wasn't even erotic.
Although it was, in a way.
It's all right, really, Larry. Believe me.
Yeah, okay.
Okay. Okay.
So, we decide on Wednesday.
So, if there's anything that you want to
submit in support of your tenure application,
we would need it by Wednesday.
Submit? What do you...
Well, anything. Any published work.
Anything you've done outside the institution.
Anything at all that we should be aware of.
- I haven't done anything. - Uh-huh.
- I haven't published. - Uh-huh.
- You're still getting those... - Uh-huh.
- Those anonymous... - No, no, I know. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Okay. Okay. Wednesday? - Uh-huh.
Um Okay Uh... Don't worry.
Doing nothing is not bad. Ipso facto.
Just relax.
Try to relax.
Oh, my God, Mrs. Samsky!
So good.
(LARRY PANTING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Nailing it down. So important.
(LARRY SCREAMS)
LARRY: Please. I need help. I've already talked to the other rabbis. Please.
It's not about Danny's bar mitzvah.
My boy, Danny. This coming Shabbas.
Very joyous event. That's all fine.
It's more about myself. I've had quite a bit of tsuris lately.
Marital problems, professional, you name it.
This is not a frivolous request.
This is a...
I'm a...
I've tried to be a serious man, you know?
Tried to do right, be a member of the community, raise the...
Danny, Sarah, they both go to school, Hebrew school.
A good breakfast...
Well, Danny goes to Hebrew school, Sarah doesn't have time.
She mostly washes her hair.
Apparently there are several steps involved,
but you don't have to tell Marshak that, just tell him I need help.
Please. I need help.
(SIGHS)
The Rabbi is busy.
He didn't look busy.
He's thinking.
(ARTHUR SOBBING)
Arthur?
What's wrong?
It'll be okay. Arthur, we'll...
Don't worry, we'll get Ron Meshbesher It'll be okay...
(WAILING LOUDLY)
Arthur!
(WAILING)
Arthur! You've got to pull yourself together!
It's all shit, Larry! It's all shit!
Arthur, don't use that word.
It's just fucking shit!
Arthur.
Look at all that Hashem has given you!
What has he given me? He hasn't given me shit!
Arthur. What do I have? I live at the Jolly Roger.
You have a family! You have a job!
Hashem hasn't given me shit He hasn't given me bupkes!
It's not fair to blame Hashem, Arthur. Please.
Sometimes... Please calm down.
Sometimes you have to help yourself.
Hashem hasn't given me shit.
Now I can't even play cards.
It's okay, it's okay.
- (SOBBING LOUDLY) - It's okay, it's okay.
Is this it?
ARTHUR: Yeah, I think. Yeah, there.
Look, this should help you get back on your feet.
Oh, my God Where did you get this?
- It doesn't matter. - This is a lot of money.
- It should get you started. - I know, but this is a lot of money.
- You sure you don't need it? - Arthur, I'm fine.
Come on, get in When you're settled,
let me know how to get in touch.
You're sure?
It's fine.
Larry. I'm sorry.
What I said last night.
I know.
It's okay.
Goodbye!
(GUN FIRING)
There's another Jew, son!
(SCREAMS)
Were we out at the pool last night?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's Shabbas.
(MARIJUANA CIGARETTE SIZZLING)
Give me that fucker.
(INHALING SHARPLY)
(PRAYING IN HEBREW)
(VOICE DISTORTING)
(PRAYING SOFTLY IN HEBREW)
(PRAYING IN HEBREW)
I'm sorry that... That things have been so hard for us.
It's okay.
Sy had so much respect for you, Larry.
He wrote letters to the tenure committee.
(RABBI PRAYING IN HEBREW)
(CONGREGATION PRAYING IN HEBREW)
Jesus Christ.
...taking your place as a member of our tribe.
Now, you will go and see Rabbi Marshak.
Afterwards, you will celebrate in a reception downstairs in Schanfield Hall.
And then, you will be a member of B'Nai Avraham and the Nation of Israel.
Danny Gopnik, the Sisterhood makes a gift to you of this Kiddush cup,
so that you will remember this blessed day on the next Shabbas and the next,
and on every Shabbas of a long and fruitful life.
And until that wonderful day when you stand under the chuppah, we say amen.
(CONGREGATION SINGING IN HEBREW)
When the truth
is found
to be lies...
(SNORTS)
...and all the hope
within you dies...
Then what?
Grace Slick.
Marty Balin.
Paul Kantner.
Jorma...
Kaukonen.
...something.
These are the members
of the Airplane.
- Mmm-hmm. - Uh-huh.
Be a good boy.
ARLEN: Danny was magnificent.
Oh.
Thank you, Arlen.
Mazel tov. It was wonderful.
Yes, it was. Thank you.
Such a time of nachas.
He's your youngest, you have to savor it.
I do.
I will.
- Well, see you at the staff caf. - Yes.
I, uh...
Just, um...
I shouldn't tell you this, I'm not telling you officially.
The tenure candidates aren't notified till Thursday.
Yes?
You'll be very pleased.
- Thank you, Arlen. - I didn't say anything Mazel tov.
(TEACHER SPEAKING HEBREW)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(GIRL SPEAKING HEBREW)
(BOY SPEAKING HEBREW)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(TEACHER SPEAKING HEBREW)
(WHISPERING) Fagle.
There's a tornado warning from the weather service.
Mr. Turchik has decided to move us into the basement of the synagogue.
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
We will form two lines.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(RINGING)
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
That fucking flag's gonna rip right off the flagpole!
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hello?
- MAN: Larry? - Yes?
Hi, Len Shapiro.
(CHUCKLES) Oh Hello, Dr. Shapiro.
Listen, mazel tov on Danny.
Yes, thank you.
Listen, could you come by to discuss these x-ray results?
Hello?
Yes?
Larry, could you come in to discuss these x-ray results?
You remember the x- rays we took?
We can't discuss them over the phone?
I think we'd be more comfortable in person.
Can you come in?
- When? - Now.
Now is good. I've cleared some time now.
Hey, Fagle!
Fagle, I got your...
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)